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Christmas sends grumpy crank into blissful state of euphoria


Santa

As a humor writer I'm not only required to exploit the absurd for humorous effect, but looking for the snark in everything is genetically encoded into my DNA. I can be quite cantankerous at the slightest whim. Humor is not based in positivity. This is why nobody from Hallmark went on to become a comedy writer and why Ellen DeGeneres isn't funny.

So, before I launch into my rant about Christmas, lemme just say right up front...if I could, I would marry Christmas and make sweet, sweet love to it every single day.

I love, just freakin' LOVE Christmas. All of it. Every single thing about it.
—REad more

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Trouble on two wheels!

Scowling scooter scofflaw squirms in scout square-off



Eric on his scooter
Phot by Scott Shumaker

On August 5, I got a scooter. With it came freedom, joy...and a traffic ticket.
           
While on my way home one night a cop pulled out of a parking lot and followed me. Since I didn't have a motorcycle license, I rode like someone who has a cop following him. I was smack on the speed limit, always signaled, came to a full stop when required, all that stuff. I didn't want to give him any reason to pull me over, but he wouldn't go away.
           
I was coming up on a Fry's Food and I thought I'd pull in there to see if he was following me or not.
           
He turned into the parking lot.

—read more

Loon Newsbriefs...—REad More
Refrigerator expedition brings
up lunch, memories


Food ewww
Photo courtesy of Eric Paul Johnson

Everybody gets nostalgic sometimes. When they do, they look at pictures, watchhome movies, or listen to Jonathon Brandmeier radio shows from the early '80s when they want to enhance the memories of yesterday. (Or is that Brandmeier thing just me?) Over the summer I found a new way to stir the old memories. I cleaned my refrigerator.
—Read more     

Loon News: The Comic Strip!

Gangsta Pull-Ups


Radiotrola Ad

 







 

Drunk Santa and Krampus fill Christmas TV


Krampus
AP Photo

One of the many great things about Christmas is the movies. But you're a busy college student with finals and financial aid clusterflubs to go through and straighten out before the new semester starts in a month. You have friends, holiday parties, and if you're lucky, you might have a job. The idea that you have 90 minutes to two hours to sit down and watch a movie is hyperventilatingly laughable.

Well, that's why God invented the sitcom. And now that we live in the future, you can get these episodes on DVD, Hulu, Netflix, or check them out from the library to watch when YOU have time to get your photoplay Christmas high in only 24 minutes.

Here are just a few Christmas gifts from TV.
—READ MORE

Ask Julie
Former victim of domestic abuse
finds family denial hard to take

Dear Julie,
           
Is there something wrong with the fact my family is still buddy-buddy with my abusive ex-husband? He recently served as a groomsman at my brother’s wedding, which made me too uncomfortable to go. He and his girlfriend are all over my family’s Facebook page—my parents still list him as their “son.” I feel like when we split up they abandoned me and took him in. Should I just get over it or say goodbye to them forever?

Feeling Orphaned and Hurt

—REad More

Wise Saying: Be better than the best. But if you can't be the best, be so awful that people can't ignore you.


Coronation for new Queen of Klutz
falls flat

Sherry fallen

I have officially, as of this day, captured from my sibling (you know who you are!) the ultimate in fashion headgear and most-coveted title: THE QUEEN OF KLUTZ — Long held by a member of my family (whose middle name is Accident ). I have come upon ownership of this title quite unexpectedly.
—Read more

Sausage party takes unpleasant turn

Eric Paul Johnson

The overwhelming realization that you can do anything you want now that you've moved out of your parents house can cause people to do unwise things. Most people use this joy of newfound freedom to get blind, stinking drunk. Since I don't drink, never have, and have no desire to , I imbibed my freedom in a different way.
—Read More

Faux pas:
Simple question goes wrong


  
Gaylene DePorter worked at a property management company in Scottsdale, Arizona. There were many tenants and Gay was in charge of the tenant space maintenance. Her job was to contact tenants by telephone and find out what kind of maintenance help they needed.
—Read More

My Grandma’s Advice




Typically, everyone has a reason why they can’t find that “special someone.” Usually, you hear stories like “I don’t trust anyone” or “I just don’t have enough time.” Well, my case is completely different. My reason started back when I was a little kid. My reason is that I took my grandma’s advice.


—read more

Like unchecked mold, Legomania grew to take over adult's life


LegoPhoto Courtesy of Eric Paul Johnson

It was the mid '70s, and like most young people at the time, I was given something new to try. I instantly became addicted. It's an addiction I still suffer from 39 years later, and there's no sign of its going away.
—Read More